she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i love accidental penises.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
