That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
