DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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