I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize