If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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