I just pynch a tree in the face
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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