My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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