when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Dick very happy bro
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
