I skipped work to stalk him.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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