I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
