I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
