Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
