genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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