I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
