Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
