I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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