I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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