ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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