It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
