I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
