I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
