I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
