So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
