she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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