omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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