I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
