So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
time to smoke my breakfast
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
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