His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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