Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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