when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
