3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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