I faked an abortion last night.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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