I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
