I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
