Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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