I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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