I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
