wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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