right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
