well I can't set my house on fire every night
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
