i already hear my dad disowning me
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
stop calling my apartment porn island.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
