Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize