I could make wine with my vomit
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
