I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
