i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
