I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
