you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
