Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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