you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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