you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
a search helicopter?!
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
