Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
