Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
My brain says no but my pants say off.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
