Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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