I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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