I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
the liver wants what the liver wants
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize