Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
