I am midnight drunk by noon
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize