I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
