I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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