Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
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