dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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