I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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