I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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