Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I need to sanitize my soul.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
